Dementia, possibly.

Sit down and tell us what's wrong with you.

Dementia, possibly.

Post by Otto Sump @ Thu Jan 28, 2016 2:18 pm

As I've mentioned before, my Mum had breast cancer, had a mastectomy and then the cancer went and came back into her chest bone. She's being treated for it and isn't doing too badly, all things considered.

But this is not about her.

Recently, my Dad (79) admitted to what the tabloids would call "a string of affairs" during the '70s and '80s. Apparently, they were watching "Emmerdale" recently and there was a storyline about an affair and Mum said "Well, at least we haven't had to worry about anything like that in 60 years of marriage". That's when Dad went a bit red and confessed.

Obviously, this has left Mum a bit shaken. She's taken off her wedding/engagement rings and is "no longer married". She's 75.

This revelation is unbelievably uncharacteristic of my mild-mannered, gentlemanly Dad, but I guess you never really know someone.

Mum seems to think that it's a dementia thing - there are other signs that suggest he's losing it a bit. Is the desire to tell the truth and unburden yourself of some past misdemeanors a symptom of dementia?

It just seems really weird that he would chose to confess NOW - when he's basically gotten away with it and confessing serves no purpose whatsoever.
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Re: Dementia, possibly.

Post by Disastrous @ Thu Jan 28, 2016 2:24 pm

Do you think the affairs aren't actually real ones Otto?

That would be awful - to go through all the grief and heartache of having confessed when you actually hadn't done anything. Is there anyway you could (assuming you want to - I'm not sure I would) verify whether this is lily to be the case or not?
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Re: Dementia, possibly.

Post by DI Burnside @ Thu Jan 28, 2016 2:29 pm

Disastrous wrote:Is there anyway you could verify whether this is lily


You know her ?
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Re: Dementia, possibly.

Post by Otto Sump @ Thu Jan 28, 2016 2:30 pm

Disastrous wrote:Do you think the affairs aren't actually real ones Otto?

That would be awful - to go through all the grief and heartache of having confessed when you actually hadn't done anything. Is there anyway you could (assuming you want to - I'm not sure I would) verify whether this is lily to be the case or not?


I honestly don't know - but I don't know if that's because I don't want to believe my Dad could do that.

During my (somewhat strained, because Dad's in the same room) phone calls with Mum, she has explained that there were many times when he was "working late" or "popping in to see a work colleague on the way home".

It is, sadly, entirely possible that he did it. I mean, why would you make this up? Unless it's the dementia. So is the dementia making him confess, or making him make up the dirty deeds?
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Re: Dementia, possibly.

Post by CJ+ @ Thu Jan 28, 2016 2:34 pm

Otto Sump wrote:So is the dementia making him confess, or making him make up the dirty deeds?

Has he confessed to anything else? Has he fabricated anything else?
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Re: Dementia, possibly.

Post by Otto Sump @ Thu Jan 28, 2016 2:38 pm

CJ+ wrote:
Otto Sump wrote:So is the dementia making him confess, or making him make up the dirty deeds?

Has he confessed to anything else? Has he fabricated anything else?


He's said he shot JFK and was instrumental in faking the moon landings. Oh, and that he's Ronnie Pickering.

Seriously though, no. As far as I'm aware.
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Re: Dementia, possibly.

Post by Disastrous @ Thu Jan 28, 2016 2:44 pm

Otto Sump wrote:
CJ+ wrote:
Otto Sump wrote:So is the dementia making him confess, or making him make up the dirty deeds?

Has he confessed to anything else? Has he fabricated anything else?


He's said he shot JFK and was instrumental in faking the moon landings. Oh, and that he's Ronnie Pickering.

Seriously though, no. As far as I'm aware.



I wouldn't jump straight to conclusions. My grandmother was properly mental when she had dementia* and fixated on some quite weird things. She became convinced the War was still ongoing (WW1, I believe) and seemed to mix me up with her brother/Uncle?cousin or something and was always amazed I was 'back' and not away shooting germans (I am now, in a manner of speaking haha!).

My point is it can take all sorts of weird forms so it's just as likely to have made him 'create' the affairs than confess to them, IMO.



*Makes it sound like she got over it - she's dead obviously
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Re: Dementia, possibly.

Post by Otto Sump @ Thu Jan 28, 2016 2:49 pm

He did have the opportunity though, if not (I'd like to think) the motive.

They (we) lived in Watford at the time and Dad worked at Kodak in Harrow as an air conditioning/heating engineer. Shift work, on emergency call. Usually, we could set our watches by when he got home, but occasionally he'd be late.
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Re: Dementia, possibly.

Post by Monty @ Thu Jan 28, 2016 4:34 pm

Odd, these olduns aren't they.

Both my parents had varying degrees of dementia, with my father's being more severe. I think men get it earlier than women for some reason.
Generally speaking dementia affects one's short-term memory & boundaries. So one could come out with an inappropriate comment that actually isn't true and is in fact quite hurtful to those on the receiving end. This may to be the case with your father?
As far as I know the long-term memory remains reasonably sound with dementia, whereas short-term goes to shit. That was certainly the case with my mother anyway. She would come out with stories that my sister and I knew weren't true, but were rather a case of her putting herself in the shoes of someone she had read about in a book. Or more often places that her brother had been to in the army when we still had an empire.
It used to be referred to politely as being a bit muddled.
Alzheimers is where it all goes to shit...
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Re: Dementia, possibly.

Post by foo @ Thu Jan 28, 2016 8:49 pm

Otto Sump wrote:He did have the opportunity though, if not (I'd like to think) the motive.

They (we) lived in Watford at the time and Dad worked at Kodak in Harrow as an air conditioning/heating engineer. Shift work, on emergency call. Usually, we could set our watches by when he got home, but occasionally he'd be late.


Sounds like a normal job to me, being late home now and again, but neither option is nice to consider so I'm sorry to hear that.

May I ask when and roughly where you lived in Watford? I was born there.
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Re: Dementia, possibly.

Post by Otto Sump @ Fri Jan 29, 2016 3:45 pm

foo wrote:May I ask when and roughly where you lived in Watford? I was born there.


Leavesden, mainly. Or "Uuuurrrrr Leavesden" as it used to be known because of the loony bin.
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Re: Dementia, possibly.

Post by foo @ Fri Jan 29, 2016 7:35 pm

I know it well, the second house I lived in was on Forest Road, my aunt lived on Nottingham Close, and my cousin and his family on Hunters Lane. I've been in the hospital a few times. Not as a patient of course, did some funerals in there (they had their own chapel) when I was a driver for a local company for a bit after leaving college.

Back to your thread :)
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Re: Dementia, possibly.

Post by Otto Sump @ Fri Jan 29, 2016 8:55 pm

foo wrote:I know it well, the second house I lived in was on Forest Road, my aunt lived on Nottingham Close, and my cousin and his family on Hunters Lane.


We lived on Sheriff Way. It's a small world.
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Re: Dementia, possibly.

Post by Barbarianna @ Sat Jan 30, 2016 11:47 am

Desire to unburden oneself is a sign of moral reckoning in response to being near to your our your loved ones death.
No illness required, IMO. Maybe it's a bit of both though- I have heard that dementia makes people less tactful?

In any case wouldn't it be a good idea to get your dad to see a GP or go to one of those 'memory clinic' places to get an overall check up for dementia? It could be just as damaging to leave him alone, if he were totally fine, feeling disbelieved about something which he had felt a desperate need to confess to a woman he loved. Is it a sign of deep respectful love to tell someone something, treasuring their right to know the truth above the risk that they may leave you as a result?
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Re: Dementia, possibly.

Post by Otto Sump @ Wed Feb 03, 2016 12:34 pm

Barbarianna wrote:In any case wouldn't it be a good idea to get your dad to see a GP or go to one of those 'memory clinic' places to get an overall check up for dementia?


Mum is trying to do this, or at least have a word with her GP about Dad. He continues to expand on his past sins and laughs when Mum tells him to stop. The GF wants me to "have a word" with him. I don't think it should be a son's place to sort out his parent's marriage. I don't know.
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Re: Dementia, possibly.

Post by Ghost @ Wed Feb 03, 2016 2:22 pm

Thing is dementia brings to the surface a lot of what has been buried in the past. Before he had to be put into care for everyone's safety, my dad attacked my mother on a number of occasions because he was convinced she was a Nazi spy. In the aftermath of WW2, he was involved in tracking down several Nazis who had gone to ground in Norway. Sadly, we were never able to find out very much about what he did at the time.

There may therefore be some basis to what he is saying to your family as a result.
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